Month of Gratitude - Day 16

Today I am grateful for a clean house… FINALLY. I'm even more grateful for a husband that was willing to spend his Saturday helping me overcome my lack of motivation and get the house looking nice so I can enjoy my Sunday relaxing and start the week happy and energized.

Month of Gratitude - Day 15

Today I am grateful for the weekend and time to be with family! When Tyler is home on Fridays it's family movie night. I love just hanging out with my favorite people and relaxing. After a busy week of work, kid's activities and school stuff, spending quality time with my husband and kiddos helps me forget all the things that are stressing me out. It's especially fun to share some of my favorites from childhood with my kids.

Month of Gratitude - Day 14

Today I am grateful for good music that uplifts and energizes me. I love many different types of music and listen to different things depending on my mood, but lately I love to listen to these two songs in the morning. The first is very comforting to me, the second makes me feel happy and excited about life (and reminds me of my sweet little boy that loves to sing it and dance around the house).

Month of Gratitude - Day 13

Today I am grateful for beautiful fall days. Fall turns so quickly into winter, so we have to enjoy every single beautiful, crisp, blue skied day we can get.

Month of Gratitude - Day 12

Today (well a few days ago, since I'm catching up) I am grateful for routine and the ability to develop good habits. At first forcing myself out of bed by 6:15 to go to the gym was torture each and every day. Now my body knows that it is time and I just get up and go. Having a daily routine keeps me focused and helps me get through the day. The first 2 hours of every week day is pretty much the same and some days it's the most productive part of my day.

Month of Gratitude - Day 11

Today I am grateful for Veterans throughout the history of this great nation. From the revolutionary war up to today, we have depended on brave men and women that were willing to sign a blank check of up to the sacrifice of their own life. I have been blessed to have several veterans near to me in my life. My wonderful grandmother that passed away just a couple weeks ago was an army veteran of World War II. My father served in the Airforce for many years as on officer. My brother served in the navy and my brother in law currently serves in the Army. I of course cannot forget my wonderful United States Marine that served two tours of duty to Iraq where he helped train the local police and military forces as well as bring aid to a war torn nation. Tyler is one of my heroes. In the time that he spent in the Marine Corps I was also blessed to get to know many other Marines and I admire there service and sacrifice so much!

Sometimes being a Marine looks like this

and sometimes it looks like this

and sometimes like this.

Month of Gratitude - Day 10

Today I am grateful for the opportunity of serving as the Young Women's secretary. I am sad that my time in that calling is over, but the things I gained and learned will be with me forever. I am especially grateful for the friendships I made with the amazing women that I served with.

I have made lasting bonds with so many people while I served in the Young Women, and in my time of greatest need they were all there for me.

Month of Gratitude - Day 9

Today I am grateful for down time. I was feeling super LAZY today, and I'm pretty sure I didn't manage to get in the shower until around 11… and then I took a nap. The amazing thing about down time is it's rejuvenating abilities. After my lazy morning/afternoon I did more cleaning than I have in months (sadly that isn't saying much) and made a yummy dinner that was on the table BEFORE 6pm. These may not seem like amazing things, but these days I'm happy with all the little every-day accomplishments. 

As a side note, I'm grateful for a husband and wonderful kiddos that didn't mind me getting a little downtime!

Month of Gratitude - Day 8

Today I am grateful for date nights. It's tough to make them happen with Tyler working nights (and frequently weekends) and trying to find a babysitter. No matter what we do, we are just glad to be together. I should have taken a picture, maybe even one with our waitress that just happened to be one of my students from my first year of teaching, but… I didn't. Love spending time with my best friend and love of my life.

Month of Gratitude - Day 7

Today I am grateful for my and my husband's educations. It's been a lot of hard work and so much time, but it is so worth it. I love that by gaining education we have opportunities to work in the fields we love and serve other people. We both chose careers in public service and it brings us a lot of joy to touch the lives of other people, even though at times it can cause us frustration.

Even more than how it has influenced our careers, I am grateful for the way that learning and gaining formal education has blessed our family. I love to teach my kids about the world around them, and I think in general, it has helped me be a good mother. Tyler blesses us with his skills and knowledge daily.

I love the idea of being a lifelong learner. At this point in my life I get to help contribute to our family's financial needs so that Tyler can continue learning, and I continue learning through personal study and experiences. I look forward to pursuing higher education at some point in my life and continuing to learn in formal and informal classrooms throughout my life!


Disclaimer: Any grammar errors above are not a reflection of the world class education I received. They are simply an indication that I should be in bed instead of publishing a blog post.

Month of Gratitude - Day 6

Today I am grateful for my home. It is isn't huge, fancy, well decorated or even, at the moment, very clean, but it is a safe warm place to be with my family. We are in the middle of a little renovation and some days it drives me crazy, but I'm grateful that we even have the opportunity to do renovations! We have lived in some interesting places in our 8 years of marriage and I am so happy to be settled into a home of our own, at least for a while.

That was then...

This is now...

Month of Gratitude - Day 5

Today I am grateful to be able to walk this special guy to school most mornings.

Even with the cold weather upon us, Jack loves to walk. Today he wanted to wear full snow gear on account of the 3cm of snow on the grass only. He is bright and spunky. He is always thinking of others. He is selfless, kind and never afraid to show how tenderhearted he is. I absolutely love him and am thankful I get to be his mom!

Month of Gratitude - Day 4

Today I am grateful for my Grandma Yoak (Mom's mom). She passed away 3 days after her 91st birthday and today was her funeral. It was bittersweet reminiscing about all our memories of her. She is an absolutely incredible woman. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of trying to share all the reasons why she was so inspiring.

I

She worked hard her whole life. She got more education than was expected for women in her time. She worked in a variety of fields and even served in the army during WWII where she met my Grandpa. She raised her children faithfully in the gospel and was completely committed to their growth and education. She raised a granddaughter while in her 70's and did so with 100% commitment. She served others willingly until the day that she died. She never complained about her trials, and she had plenty. Her life was filled with challenges, but she always just did what was needed, no matter how hard.

She loved her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and found ways to give service to them until her very last days. Each great-grandchild has a beautiful handcrafted baby blanket, including my sweet angel that was only wrapped in hers for a few hours.

This barely scratches the surface on why she is such an amazing example to me.

Betty Yoak

Month of Gratitude - Day 3

Tonight I am grateful for a safe, comfortable vehicle and an uneventful drive to and from my sister's home. I don't love driving by myself, especially not at night. Glad to be home safe and warm.

Month of Gratitude - Day 2

Today I am thankful for time to get away for some retail therapy. Nothing brings my stress level down like a little kid free shopping for my favorite things--workout clothes. Shopping with a good friend makes it even better! My spoils: (weird to post a picture of-- maybe)

Month of Gratitude - Day 1

I recently watched this video and felt inspired to be a more grateful person. This month I plan to share about something or someone that I am thankful for each day. The hard thing will be only choosing 30! There is no order to this. I'm just going from the heart for what I'm feeling in the moment. Today, I am grateful for my relationship with this little guy:

He is the best at making me smile when I'm having a hard day. He fills our home with music, and he learns new songs every day to sing to us. 

Lately he has this adorable habit of walking up to me and randomly saying, "Mama, you're the best," or "Mama, I sure do love you." I'm pretty sure he got the phraseology from me at some point, but he always says it with such sincerity that I know he really feels that way about me. 

He is my little night owl that loves to sleep in. He wakes up with a smile and a cheerful "good morning mama" almost every day.

He talks about his baby sister with love, and remembers her daily.

He uses a ridiculously grown up vocabulary that makes him irresistible.

He loves hugs, kisses and snuggles, but is perfectly rough and tumble.

I am so lucky to be his mom!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

For the first 30 years of my life, today was a day like any other. I remember my life before loss, even though it seems a lifetime ago. I remember Tyler sharing sad stories from work about moms that lost babies very late in their pregnancies and thinking my heart hurt so bad just hearing about it, how could a person ever live through that. Now I know the feeling for myself.

 

Today I remember not only my sweet angel, but all the babies, gone before they really came and missed desperately by the parents that happily and anxiously waited for their arrival. It is a loss like no other I have experienced, and I am so sorry to all others that have had to walk this road. 

I wanted to share how we remembered our Eirlyse today. I am determined that her memory will be with me and my family forever!

A few weeks ago my mom went to a few local greenhouses to track down Snowdrops for my little Snowdrop. Eirlyse means Snowdrop, and we are certain that this name was really meant to be for her. It suits her sweet spirit and short time on earth perfectly. Like the flowers, she arrived early- pure, fresh and perfect.

 

To honor Eirlyse we planted snowdrop bulbs today in our front yard and (don't tell the folks at the cemetery) on her grave. They will bloom VERY early next spring popping right up out of the snow. By the time mowing season arrives they will be just like the other blades of grass. I am so excited to see them bloom next spring as our living reminder of our angel.

After Eirlyse passed away a sweet friend of our parents, who has also experienced infant loss and is an amazing artist, offered to draw Eirlyse. What an amazing gift she has given us. We received the beautiful drawing a few weeks ago and today we officially hung it up in the boy's playroom so she is there with them always. I can't even begin to express how this beautiful work of art warms my heart each time I see it.

Earlier this week Tyler's mom gave us a Christmas ornament to remember Eirlyse. Baby's first Christmas ornaments are a tradition of hers to each new grand-baby, and Eirlyse needed one as well. We selected a very special one for her and today I put a picture inside the locket so that it is ready to hang on our tree. I think I will buy or make an ornament each year to remember our angel, and I'm so grateful for this first one that was a gift from Grandma and Grandpa. Eirlyse is so loved, and will always be remembered!

Thank you to anybody that had us and our sweet baby Eirlyse in their hearts today. We feel so fortunate to have so many wonderful family members and friends that have offered love and support!

Snowdrop image credit: http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/naturelibrary/images/ic/credit/640x395/g/ga/galanthus_nivalis/galanthus_nivalis_1.jpg

When Heaven Seemed Close Enough to Touch

In the 2, too short days that we had our Eirlyse with us on this earth, there were many moments that I felt like I was a breathe away from Heaven. One of my favorite quotes is from a book I read my freshman year at BYU (There was Light by Jaques Lusseyran)

I was carried by a hand, I was covered by a wing.

There were so many times in those short days that darkness threatened to take over, that I wanted to scream and even die, but somehow there were also times of intense peace and calm. I felt at times like I was in a dream and was not moving from place to place by my own power, but instead was being carried through it all. Without those tender mercies from heaven, darkness would have prevailed and I would have been unable to feel the sweet spirit that my angel brought with her. It permeated the space she was in. Everybody that had the opportunity to sit in that little room by her plastic bed felt it. Those that held her know even more that she was heaven sent.

The first time I saw Eirlyse I was overwhelmed (and very confused), yet I still felt a calm as I sat by her incubator. In fact, even though the weight of the situation would normally be more than a person could bear, most of the time I spent in the hospital with her I felt calm. Looking back now, I know that calm could have come from only one source--the love of Jesus Christ.

The first night I spent in the hospital was not a good one. The gravity of the situation was starting to set in and I had a terrible time sleeping. I still didn't understand what was going on with my baby and I felt so alone. I spent much of the night praying and crying. Morning finally came and the doctor that had delivered Eirlyse came to see me. She explained the situation to me. She told me she had been to the NICU that morning already and that things did not look good at all. She explained that we needed to start thinking about removing care. I was stunned. I had no idea we would be arriving at this, especially not so soon. She left me crying in my bed. Tyler came to hold me and we cried together, and then we prayed. It didn't take long for us to be fully aware that our angel's purpose on earth was already fulfilled and it was time for us to let her return to her Father in Heaven. We decided that we would spend the day with her in the NICU, and let family come meet her. We would then spend the night with just us holding her and soaking up every bit of that sweet spirit she had brought with her. The next morning would be the time to stop the medications and remove the ventilator. We would hold onto her as she passed peacefully. The decision was heartbreaking, but we felt an intense calm about it. We knew it was the right decision for our sweet baby. Heaven touched us, we knew it. It made the hardest decision that we would ever have to make so clear.

Another experience that seems almost strange to share is that through the entire time I was at the hospital each time I would look in the mirror or see a picture of me, I felt like I was glowing. People talk about pregnancy glow, but with my first two pregnancies I never felt like I glowed, in fact I always felt puffy and ugly. This time was so different. I truly felt the glow through the whole pregnancy. I felt amazing and strong and beautiful in a way I never had before in my life. That glow seemed to stay with me throughout my time with Eirlyse. Even now I look at pictures and think, is that really me? I believe the spirit was so strong with me through the whole experience that it literally shown through me.

There were so many other experiences when I felt the light of heaven shining in on our little cubicle of the NICU, but for now I will share just one more. When my sweet little boys met their baby sister the atmosphere felt sacred. They knew she was their sister and they loved her so much. While normally tubes coming out of another person would make them uncomfortable and awkward, they fully embraced her, just the way she was. They wanted to be close to her. While I was pregnant, Jack was probably the most excited for our new arrival. He talked about her all the time and he loved her from the day he knew she was on her way. When he met her for the first time the feeling of love in the room was overwhelming. He loves his baby sister so deeply and so sincerly. Their bond is eternal and I know one day when they meet again it will be as if they were never apart! This picture makes my heart ache so deeply, but it also brings me so much joy to see the look of love in Jack's little eyes and to remember the feeling of knowing that Eirlyse felt exactly the same way, even if she had now way of expressing that with her tiny sick body.

Not a Post About Being Grateful

I've been working for a few weeks on two posts about my experience of losing my baby girl. One is about gratitude and recognizing blessing from my Heavenly Father, the other is about times when I have felt incredible peace through all the pain. This is NOT one of those posts.

Today was not a day that I felt grateful or peaceful. Today was a challenge from the moment I got out of bed. I have these days, more of them than I can count. Yes, sometimes I have good days--days where I am blessed to feel grateful for the blessings that seem to be overflowing in my life, but today was not one of those days. This isn't to say that everything about today was bad. I started the day with a great work out and had fun walking Jack to school. Work was fine and this evening I hung out with some great friends (that helped), but it's all the stuff in between that made today a day void of gratitude and peace. Like that moment it hit me, like it does sometimes like a ton of bricks, that my Eirlyse is gone. Or when we drove to the cemetery hoping that today would be the day there would be a marker on her tiny grave to show the world she was here, and it wasn't. Maybe it was when, after I was already feeling broken and vulnerable, I got a text or read a facebook post that pushed me right over the edge.

That's the honest truth. That's the truth you probably won't get when you ask me "how are you?"

A Birth Story- Eirlyse Treasure Bolton

This post is long overdue, but I've had a hard time writing it. Hopefully I will be able to share some of my other experiences with my angel Eirlyse soon, or at least some pictures. For now...

I'm not sure how I'll do recounting the events of that day, but I felt like I need to before they get too fuzzy. This experience is also very personal and difficult to recount, but I know a lot of people are wondering how we went from having a perfectly healthy pregnancy with a super active healthy baby growing inside of me to having a baby that lived only two days. We are still wondering the same thing, and probably always will.

It all began late Monday (May 27) night in St. George. We had spent the day in the car traveling from San Diego. It was a long but uneventful drive and little Eirlyse had wriggled and kicked the entire time. I can't remember either of my other two babies being quite as constantly active as she was. It made for more frequent stops for bathroom breaks but I loved feeling her moving around. After we arrived in St. George at Tyler's grandparents house we went to visit our good friends that used to live in our ward. Near the end of the visit I started feeling a bit strange. Something was... leaking. It did not occur to me that it could be amniotic fluid for a little while because I was only 33 weeks and the pregnancy had been far too predictable and easy for something like that to be happening. By the time we returned to Tyler's grandparents I could tell something was weird, and most likely my water was leaking. I did internet research trying to come up with any other answer and tried calling a pregnancy hotline. I also called the hospital in St. George and after deliberating for a while we decided that while it was most likely my water leaking, we had an 18 hour window of safety and I could still feel baby moving and absolutely no contractions, so we would get up early and drive straight to McKayDee (honestly I still didn't really think that it was amniotic fluid and I really didn't want to be at the hospital in St. George). I have second guessed this decision now since the moment we started driving the next morning.

Our drive was fine and we made great time. I could still feel Eirlyse moving, but far less than the day before. I was leaking fluid slowly (sorry, some of this post may fit in the TMI category, but stop reading if that bothers you). We got to the hospital and I was feeling fairly calm and had thought out several possible scenarios of what might happen next. Really the worst I considered is that we would have to induce labor immediately and we would have a very tiny but fairly healthy baby girl that might have to spend a few weeks in the NICU to gain weight and develop her lungs. I was totally unprepared for what happened next.

We checked in and got prepared for triage. The nurse took longer than I would have liked to come check me. Finally she came in and started listening for baby. She was not real friendly and I could tell right away that she was concerned. She could not find a heart rate. When she did it was far too low--50. She started calling out for help, calling my doctor and shouting out orders to prep an OR for a C-Section. I was stunned. I have never felt so afraid in my entire life. Tyler stood so calmly by telling me it would be ok, but I knew right then that it wouldn't. I was about to have a C-Section and something was wrong with my baby. They started IV's. Everything hurt a lot, but I didn't care, if something was wrong I just wanted them to get her out right now and save her. I felt so guilty for driving 5 hours instead of just going to the hospital in St. George.

In the OR everything was so fast and confusing. They started an epidural which started working very quickly and the doctor arrived. It wasn't my doctor. She was out of town. I wanted my doctor. She had the nurses reposition me and the baby's heart rate returned to over 130. She was ok. We waited for a few minutes, talked about what would happen next. I would keep the epidural in, I would wait in a regular room for 1 hour while they started antibiotics and steroid shots to develop her little lungs. If her heart rate stayed normal we hoped to wait to deliver for 2-4 days. The longer the better. Things seemed happy and hopeful. We sent out texts and waited. After about 45 minutes her rate dropped again.

Back to the OR, more drugs and more panic. I felt the pressure from cutting and I don't remember the moment when they actually got my baby out and took her to another room. Tyler was gone. I had no idea what was going on and I still don't remember much after that. I know they took me to another room and got me cleaned up, my parents and Austin came. I received a priesthood blessing, and over in the NICU so did Eirlyse. I had no idea the severity of her condition. I had no idea that it had taken 11 minutes to revive her, and that she had never taken a breath. Maybe they did tell me, but I don't remember now. Tyler says she was blue when the delivered her. He went with her and watched as the desperately tried to revive her. He believes they may not have gone for the 11 full minutes if he had not been standing there. I can't even begin to imagine the desperation and fear Tyler must have felt for those 11 minutes.

After they got me cleaned up, they took me to see her. I was confused. She didn't seem like my baby. I thought I was still pregnant. I didn't know who this little girl was with tubes and stickers and IV's. She was beautiful though. She looked so much like my sweet Jack as a baby, just with more hair. I didn't want to stay long. Seeing her scared me. I was so tired and confused. Now I wish that I would have never left her side, but Im glad that at that moment I had no idea how hopeless the situation was. I needed to, at least for a little while, feel that I had a normal healthy baby that I would someday bring home from the hospital.

They took me to my room and I was still unsure that this baby girl was really mine, and unaware that she was in really bad shape. I mostly stayed in my room. I can't remember visiting her more than once that evening. Tyler visited her often. He came back crying. Something was wrong. I didn't know what. Nobody told me that she wasn't ok. I was so confused. I don't know exactly what I thought was going to happen at that point, but I think I believed she was going to be fine, just not for a while. I thought I would have a lifetime to spend with her, but that was not the plan... at least not for now.

Eirlyse Treasure Bolton

May 28, 2013 16:21

3 lbs 13 oz 17.5"

Babymoon-- SanDiego!

Do you ever just need to get away? Yep, us too. Before our family of 5 became a family of 6 Tyler and I thought it would be nice to have a quick getaway just the 2 of us (well sort of). So, thanks to wonderful and willing grandparents, we headed off on a short romantic getaway. Our road trip was extra special because, instead of a minivan, we traveled in a zippy little roadster (again thanks to wonderful family, Dad this time). So we set off for SanDiego with an overnight stop in St. George.

We stayed in a hotel on Shelter Island (I think that is where this picture was taken...) It was a fun location and a nice little place to stay. We walked the entire Island the day we arrived and it was fabulous!

 Did I mention we drove in a convertable. That was mostly fun, except for the sunburn from the 2 hour drive to Newport beach.

 Played at Mission beach and ate the biggest ice cream cones in the history of ever!

Yep, that's ice-cream spilled on my belly

Oops, the water came a bit higher than expected.

We came back for a few more hours of beach time before heading back to St. George.

 

These happy feet wanted to stay on the beach!