I'm not sure how I'll do recounting the events of that day, but I felt like I need to before they get too fuzzy. This experience is also very personal and difficult to recount, but I know a lot of people are wondering how we went from having a perfectly healthy pregnancy with a super active healthy baby growing inside of me to having a baby that lived only two days. We are still wondering the same thing, and probably always will.
It all began late Monday (May 27) night in St. George. We had spent the day in the car traveling from San Diego. It was a long but uneventful drive and little Eirlyse had wriggled and kicked the entire time. I can't remember either of my other two babies being quite as constantly active as she was. It made for more frequent stops for bathroom breaks but I loved feeling her moving around. After we arrived in St. George at Tyler's grandparents house we went to visit our good friends that used to live in our ward. Near the end of the visit I started feeling a bit strange. Something was... leaking. It did not occur to me that it could be amniotic fluid for a little while because I was only 33 weeks and the pregnancy had been far too predictable and easy for something like that to be happening. By the time we returned to Tyler's grandparents I could tell something was weird, and most likely my water was leaking. I did internet research trying to come up with any other answer and tried calling a pregnancy hotline. I also called the hospital in St. George and after deliberating for a while we decided that while it was most likely my water leaking, we had an 18 hour window of safety and I could still feel baby moving and absolutely no contractions, so we would get up early and drive straight to McKayDee (honestly I still didn't really think that it was amniotic fluid and I really didn't want to be at the hospital in St. George). I have second guessed this decision now since the moment we started driving the next morning.
Our drive was fine and we made great time. I could still feel Eirlyse moving, but far less than the day before. I was leaking fluid slowly (sorry, some of this post may fit in the TMI category, but stop reading if that bothers you). We got to the hospital and I was feeling fairly calm and had thought out several possible scenarios of what might happen next. Really the worst I considered is that we would have to induce labor immediately and we would have a very tiny but fairly healthy baby girl that might have to spend a few weeks in the NICU to gain weight and develop her lungs. I was totally unprepared for what happened next.
We checked in and got prepared for triage. The nurse took longer than I would have liked to come check me. Finally she came in and started listening for baby. She was not real friendly and I could tell right away that she was concerned. She could not find a heart rate. When she did it was far too low--50. She started calling out for help, calling my doctor and shouting out orders to prep an OR for a C-Section. I was stunned. I have never felt so afraid in my entire life. Tyler stood so calmly by telling me it would be ok, but I knew right then that it wouldn't. I was about to have a C-Section and something was wrong with my baby. They started IV's. Everything hurt a lot, but I didn't care, if something was wrong I just wanted them to get her out right now and save her. I felt so guilty for driving 5 hours instead of just going to the hospital in St. George.
In the OR everything was so fast and confusing. They started an epidural which started working very quickly and the doctor arrived. It wasn't my doctor. She was out of town. I wanted my doctor. She had the nurses reposition me and the baby's heart rate returned to over 130. She was ok. We waited for a few minutes, talked about what would happen next. I would keep the epidural in, I would wait in a regular room for 1 hour while they started antibiotics and steroid shots to develop her little lungs. If her heart rate stayed normal we hoped to wait to deliver for 2-4 days. The longer the better. Things seemed happy and hopeful. We sent out texts and waited. After about 45 minutes her rate dropped again.
Back to the OR, more drugs and more panic. I felt the pressure from cutting and I don't remember the moment when they actually got my baby out and took her to another room. Tyler was gone. I had no idea what was going on and I still don't remember much after that. I know they took me to another room and got me cleaned up, my parents and Austin came. I received a priesthood blessing, and over in the NICU so did Eirlyse. I had no idea the severity of her condition. I had no idea that it had taken 11 minutes to revive her, and that she had never taken a breath. Maybe they did tell me, but I don't remember now. Tyler says she was blue when the delivered her. He went with her and watched as the desperately tried to revive her. He believes they may not have gone for the 11 full minutes if he had not been standing there. I can't even begin to imagine the desperation and fear Tyler must have felt for those 11 minutes.
After they got me cleaned up, they took me to see her. I was confused. She didn't seem like my baby. I thought I was still pregnant. I didn't know who this little girl was with tubes and stickers and IV's. She was beautiful though. She looked so much like my sweet Jack as a baby, just with more hair. I didn't want to stay long. Seeing her scared me. I was so tired and confused. Now I wish that I would have never left her side, but Im glad that at that moment I had no idea how hopeless the situation was. I needed to, at least for a little while, feel that I had a normal healthy baby that I would someday bring home from the hospital.
They took me to my room and I was still unsure that this baby girl was really mine, and unaware that she was in really bad shape. I mostly stayed in my room. I can't remember visiting her more than once that evening. Tyler visited her often. He came back crying. Something was wrong. I didn't know what. Nobody told me that she wasn't ok. I was so confused. I don't know exactly what I thought was going to happen at that point, but I think I believed she was going to be fine, just not for a while. I thought I would have a lifetime to spend with her, but that was not the plan... at least not for now.
Eirlyse Treasure Bolton
May 28, 2013 16:21
3 lbs 13 oz 17.5"
2 comments:
Oh, Abigail, I can't imagine how hard it is to write this. I hope it has brought you some comfort to talk about Eirlyse. It is so difficult sometimes understanding why some things happen in this life. I know you will be reunited with sweet Eirlyse one day, but I'm sure that doesn't make missing her each day in this life lessen. I hope and pray that you and Tyler will be strengthened as you face this life without Eirlyse physically beside you and that on those particularly difficult days, you will feel her presence in spirit. She will be remembered every day. Love and prayers will always be given for you and Tyler.
Thank you for sharing. So sorry that you had to go through this. She really is an angel.
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