Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

For the first 30 years of my life, today was a day like any other. I remember my life before loss, even though it seems a lifetime ago. I remember Tyler sharing sad stories from work about moms that lost babies very late in their pregnancies and thinking my heart hurt so bad just hearing about it, how could a person ever live through that. Now I know the feeling for myself.

 

Today I remember not only my sweet angel, but all the babies, gone before they really came and missed desperately by the parents that happily and anxiously waited for their arrival. It is a loss like no other I have experienced, and I am so sorry to all others that have had to walk this road. 

I wanted to share how we remembered our Eirlyse today. I am determined that her memory will be with me and my family forever!

A few weeks ago my mom went to a few local greenhouses to track down Snowdrops for my little Snowdrop. Eirlyse means Snowdrop, and we are certain that this name was really meant to be for her. It suits her sweet spirit and short time on earth perfectly. Like the flowers, she arrived early- pure, fresh and perfect.

 

To honor Eirlyse we planted snowdrop bulbs today in our front yard and (don't tell the folks at the cemetery) on her grave. They will bloom VERY early next spring popping right up out of the snow. By the time mowing season arrives they will be just like the other blades of grass. I am so excited to see them bloom next spring as our living reminder of our angel.

After Eirlyse passed away a sweet friend of our parents, who has also experienced infant loss and is an amazing artist, offered to draw Eirlyse. What an amazing gift she has given us. We received the beautiful drawing a few weeks ago and today we officially hung it up in the boy's playroom so she is there with them always. I can't even begin to express how this beautiful work of art warms my heart each time I see it.

Earlier this week Tyler's mom gave us a Christmas ornament to remember Eirlyse. Baby's first Christmas ornaments are a tradition of hers to each new grand-baby, and Eirlyse needed one as well. We selected a very special one for her and today I put a picture inside the locket so that it is ready to hang on our tree. I think I will buy or make an ornament each year to remember our angel, and I'm so grateful for this first one that was a gift from Grandma and Grandpa. Eirlyse is so loved, and will always be remembered!

Thank you to anybody that had us and our sweet baby Eirlyse in their hearts today. We feel so fortunate to have so many wonderful family members and friends that have offered love and support!

Snowdrop image credit: http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/naturelibrary/images/ic/credit/640x395/g/ga/galanthus_nivalis/galanthus_nivalis_1.jpg

When Heaven Seemed Close Enough to Touch

In the 2, too short days that we had our Eirlyse with us on this earth, there were many moments that I felt like I was a breathe away from Heaven. One of my favorite quotes is from a book I read my freshman year at BYU (There was Light by Jaques Lusseyran)

I was carried by a hand, I was covered by a wing.

There were so many times in those short days that darkness threatened to take over, that I wanted to scream and even die, but somehow there were also times of intense peace and calm. I felt at times like I was in a dream and was not moving from place to place by my own power, but instead was being carried through it all. Without those tender mercies from heaven, darkness would have prevailed and I would have been unable to feel the sweet spirit that my angel brought with her. It permeated the space she was in. Everybody that had the opportunity to sit in that little room by her plastic bed felt it. Those that held her know even more that she was heaven sent.

The first time I saw Eirlyse I was overwhelmed (and very confused), yet I still felt a calm as I sat by her incubator. In fact, even though the weight of the situation would normally be more than a person could bear, most of the time I spent in the hospital with her I felt calm. Looking back now, I know that calm could have come from only one source--the love of Jesus Christ.

The first night I spent in the hospital was not a good one. The gravity of the situation was starting to set in and I had a terrible time sleeping. I still didn't understand what was going on with my baby and I felt so alone. I spent much of the night praying and crying. Morning finally came and the doctor that had delivered Eirlyse came to see me. She explained the situation to me. She told me she had been to the NICU that morning already and that things did not look good at all. She explained that we needed to start thinking about removing care. I was stunned. I had no idea we would be arriving at this, especially not so soon. She left me crying in my bed. Tyler came to hold me and we cried together, and then we prayed. It didn't take long for us to be fully aware that our angel's purpose on earth was already fulfilled and it was time for us to let her return to her Father in Heaven. We decided that we would spend the day with her in the NICU, and let family come meet her. We would then spend the night with just us holding her and soaking up every bit of that sweet spirit she had brought with her. The next morning would be the time to stop the medications and remove the ventilator. We would hold onto her as she passed peacefully. The decision was heartbreaking, but we felt an intense calm about it. We knew it was the right decision for our sweet baby. Heaven touched us, we knew it. It made the hardest decision that we would ever have to make so clear.

Another experience that seems almost strange to share is that through the entire time I was at the hospital each time I would look in the mirror or see a picture of me, I felt like I was glowing. People talk about pregnancy glow, but with my first two pregnancies I never felt like I glowed, in fact I always felt puffy and ugly. This time was so different. I truly felt the glow through the whole pregnancy. I felt amazing and strong and beautiful in a way I never had before in my life. That glow seemed to stay with me throughout my time with Eirlyse. Even now I look at pictures and think, is that really me? I believe the spirit was so strong with me through the whole experience that it literally shown through me.

There were so many other experiences when I felt the light of heaven shining in on our little cubicle of the NICU, but for now I will share just one more. When my sweet little boys met their baby sister the atmosphere felt sacred. They knew she was their sister and they loved her so much. While normally tubes coming out of another person would make them uncomfortable and awkward, they fully embraced her, just the way she was. They wanted to be close to her. While I was pregnant, Jack was probably the most excited for our new arrival. He talked about her all the time and he loved her from the day he knew she was on her way. When he met her for the first time the feeling of love in the room was overwhelming. He loves his baby sister so deeply and so sincerly. Their bond is eternal and I know one day when they meet again it will be as if they were never apart! This picture makes my heart ache so deeply, but it also brings me so much joy to see the look of love in Jack's little eyes and to remember the feeling of knowing that Eirlyse felt exactly the same way, even if she had now way of expressing that with her tiny sick body.