I've been working for a few weeks on two posts about my experience of losing my baby girl. One is about gratitude and recognizing blessing from my Heavenly Father, the other is about times when I have felt incredible peace through all the pain. This is NOT one of those posts.
Today was not a day that I felt grateful or peaceful. Today was a challenge from the moment I got out of bed. I have these days, more of them than I can count. Yes, sometimes I have good days--days where I am blessed to feel grateful for the blessings that seem to be overflowing in my life, but today was not one of those days. This isn't to say that everything about today was bad. I started the day with a great work out and had fun walking Jack to school. Work was fine and this evening I hung out with some great friends (that helped), but it's all the stuff in between that made today a day void of gratitude and peace. Like that moment it hit me, like it does sometimes like a ton of bricks, that my Eirlyse is gone. Or when we drove to the cemetery hoping that today would be the day there would be a marker on her tiny grave to show the world she was here, and it wasn't. Maybe it was when, after I was already feeling broken and vulnerable, I got a text or read a facebook post that pushed me right over the edge.
That's the honest truth. That's the truth you probably won't get when you ask me "how are you?"
