Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

For the first 30 years of my life, today was a day like any other. I remember my life before loss, even though it seems a lifetime ago. I remember Tyler sharing sad stories from work about moms that lost babies very late in their pregnancies and thinking my heart hurt so bad just hearing about it, how could a person ever live through that. Now I know the feeling for myself.

 

Today I remember not only my sweet angel, but all the babies, gone before they really came and missed desperately by the parents that happily and anxiously waited for their arrival. It is a loss like no other I have experienced, and I am so sorry to all others that have had to walk this road. 

I wanted to share how we remembered our Eirlyse today. I am determined that her memory will be with me and my family forever!

A few weeks ago my mom went to a few local greenhouses to track down Snowdrops for my little Snowdrop. Eirlyse means Snowdrop, and we are certain that this name was really meant to be for her. It suits her sweet spirit and short time on earth perfectly. Like the flowers, she arrived early- pure, fresh and perfect.

 

To honor Eirlyse we planted snowdrop bulbs today in our front yard and (don't tell the folks at the cemetery) on her grave. They will bloom VERY early next spring popping right up out of the snow. By the time mowing season arrives they will be just like the other blades of grass. I am so excited to see them bloom next spring as our living reminder of our angel.

After Eirlyse passed away a sweet friend of our parents, who has also experienced infant loss and is an amazing artist, offered to draw Eirlyse. What an amazing gift she has given us. We received the beautiful drawing a few weeks ago and today we officially hung it up in the boy's playroom so she is there with them always. I can't even begin to express how this beautiful work of art warms my heart each time I see it.

Earlier this week Tyler's mom gave us a Christmas ornament to remember Eirlyse. Baby's first Christmas ornaments are a tradition of hers to each new grand-baby, and Eirlyse needed one as well. We selected a very special one for her and today I put a picture inside the locket so that it is ready to hang on our tree. I think I will buy or make an ornament each year to remember our angel, and I'm so grateful for this first one that was a gift from Grandma and Grandpa. Eirlyse is so loved, and will always be remembered!

Thank you to anybody that had us and our sweet baby Eirlyse in their hearts today. We feel so fortunate to have so many wonderful family members and friends that have offered love and support!

Snowdrop image credit: http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/naturelibrary/images/ic/credit/640x395/g/ga/galanthus_nivalis/galanthus_nivalis_1.jpg

When Heaven Seemed Close Enough to Touch

In the 2, too short days that we had our Eirlyse with us on this earth, there were many moments that I felt like I was a breathe away from Heaven. One of my favorite quotes is from a book I read my freshman year at BYU (There was Light by Jaques Lusseyran)

I was carried by a hand, I was covered by a wing.

There were so many times in those short days that darkness threatened to take over, that I wanted to scream and even die, but somehow there were also times of intense peace and calm. I felt at times like I was in a dream and was not moving from place to place by my own power, but instead was being carried through it all. Without those tender mercies from heaven, darkness would have prevailed and I would have been unable to feel the sweet spirit that my angel brought with her. It permeated the space she was in. Everybody that had the opportunity to sit in that little room by her plastic bed felt it. Those that held her know even more that she was heaven sent.

The first time I saw Eirlyse I was overwhelmed (and very confused), yet I still felt a calm as I sat by her incubator. In fact, even though the weight of the situation would normally be more than a person could bear, most of the time I spent in the hospital with her I felt calm. Looking back now, I know that calm could have come from only one source--the love of Jesus Christ.

The first night I spent in the hospital was not a good one. The gravity of the situation was starting to set in and I had a terrible time sleeping. I still didn't understand what was going on with my baby and I felt so alone. I spent much of the night praying and crying. Morning finally came and the doctor that had delivered Eirlyse came to see me. She explained the situation to me. She told me she had been to the NICU that morning already and that things did not look good at all. She explained that we needed to start thinking about removing care. I was stunned. I had no idea we would be arriving at this, especially not so soon. She left me crying in my bed. Tyler came to hold me and we cried together, and then we prayed. It didn't take long for us to be fully aware that our angel's purpose on earth was already fulfilled and it was time for us to let her return to her Father in Heaven. We decided that we would spend the day with her in the NICU, and let family come meet her. We would then spend the night with just us holding her and soaking up every bit of that sweet spirit she had brought with her. The next morning would be the time to stop the medications and remove the ventilator. We would hold onto her as she passed peacefully. The decision was heartbreaking, but we felt an intense calm about it. We knew it was the right decision for our sweet baby. Heaven touched us, we knew it. It made the hardest decision that we would ever have to make so clear.

Another experience that seems almost strange to share is that through the entire time I was at the hospital each time I would look in the mirror or see a picture of me, I felt like I was glowing. People talk about pregnancy glow, but with my first two pregnancies I never felt like I glowed, in fact I always felt puffy and ugly. This time was so different. I truly felt the glow through the whole pregnancy. I felt amazing and strong and beautiful in a way I never had before in my life. That glow seemed to stay with me throughout my time with Eirlyse. Even now I look at pictures and think, is that really me? I believe the spirit was so strong with me through the whole experience that it literally shown through me.

There were so many other experiences when I felt the light of heaven shining in on our little cubicle of the NICU, but for now I will share just one more. When my sweet little boys met their baby sister the atmosphere felt sacred. They knew she was their sister and they loved her so much. While normally tubes coming out of another person would make them uncomfortable and awkward, they fully embraced her, just the way she was. They wanted to be close to her. While I was pregnant, Jack was probably the most excited for our new arrival. He talked about her all the time and he loved her from the day he knew she was on her way. When he met her for the first time the feeling of love in the room was overwhelming. He loves his baby sister so deeply and so sincerly. Their bond is eternal and I know one day when they meet again it will be as if they were never apart! This picture makes my heart ache so deeply, but it also brings me so much joy to see the look of love in Jack's little eyes and to remember the feeling of knowing that Eirlyse felt exactly the same way, even if she had now way of expressing that with her tiny sick body.

Not a Post About Being Grateful

I've been working for a few weeks on two posts about my experience of losing my baby girl. One is about gratitude and recognizing blessing from my Heavenly Father, the other is about times when I have felt incredible peace through all the pain. This is NOT one of those posts.

Today was not a day that I felt grateful or peaceful. Today was a challenge from the moment I got out of bed. I have these days, more of them than I can count. Yes, sometimes I have good days--days where I am blessed to feel grateful for the blessings that seem to be overflowing in my life, but today was not one of those days. This isn't to say that everything about today was bad. I started the day with a great work out and had fun walking Jack to school. Work was fine and this evening I hung out with some great friends (that helped), but it's all the stuff in between that made today a day void of gratitude and peace. Like that moment it hit me, like it does sometimes like a ton of bricks, that my Eirlyse is gone. Or when we drove to the cemetery hoping that today would be the day there would be a marker on her tiny grave to show the world she was here, and it wasn't. Maybe it was when, after I was already feeling broken and vulnerable, I got a text or read a facebook post that pushed me right over the edge.

That's the honest truth. That's the truth you probably won't get when you ask me "how are you?"

A Birth Story- Eirlyse Treasure Bolton

This post is long overdue, but I've had a hard time writing it. Hopefully I will be able to share some of my other experiences with my angel Eirlyse soon, or at least some pictures. For now...

I'm not sure how I'll do recounting the events of that day, but I felt like I need to before they get too fuzzy. This experience is also very personal and difficult to recount, but I know a lot of people are wondering how we went from having a perfectly healthy pregnancy with a super active healthy baby growing inside of me to having a baby that lived only two days. We are still wondering the same thing, and probably always will.

It all began late Monday (May 27) night in St. George. We had spent the day in the car traveling from San Diego. It was a long but uneventful drive and little Eirlyse had wriggled and kicked the entire time. I can't remember either of my other two babies being quite as constantly active as she was. It made for more frequent stops for bathroom breaks but I loved feeling her moving around. After we arrived in St. George at Tyler's grandparents house we went to visit our good friends that used to live in our ward. Near the end of the visit I started feeling a bit strange. Something was... leaking. It did not occur to me that it could be amniotic fluid for a little while because I was only 33 weeks and the pregnancy had been far too predictable and easy for something like that to be happening. By the time we returned to Tyler's grandparents I could tell something was weird, and most likely my water was leaking. I did internet research trying to come up with any other answer and tried calling a pregnancy hotline. I also called the hospital in St. George and after deliberating for a while we decided that while it was most likely my water leaking, we had an 18 hour window of safety and I could still feel baby moving and absolutely no contractions, so we would get up early and drive straight to McKayDee (honestly I still didn't really think that it was amniotic fluid and I really didn't want to be at the hospital in St. George). I have second guessed this decision now since the moment we started driving the next morning.

Our drive was fine and we made great time. I could still feel Eirlyse moving, but far less than the day before. I was leaking fluid slowly (sorry, some of this post may fit in the TMI category, but stop reading if that bothers you). We got to the hospital and I was feeling fairly calm and had thought out several possible scenarios of what might happen next. Really the worst I considered is that we would have to induce labor immediately and we would have a very tiny but fairly healthy baby girl that might have to spend a few weeks in the NICU to gain weight and develop her lungs. I was totally unprepared for what happened next.

We checked in and got prepared for triage. The nurse took longer than I would have liked to come check me. Finally she came in and started listening for baby. She was not real friendly and I could tell right away that she was concerned. She could not find a heart rate. When she did it was far too low--50. She started calling out for help, calling my doctor and shouting out orders to prep an OR for a C-Section. I was stunned. I have never felt so afraid in my entire life. Tyler stood so calmly by telling me it would be ok, but I knew right then that it wouldn't. I was about to have a C-Section and something was wrong with my baby. They started IV's. Everything hurt a lot, but I didn't care, if something was wrong I just wanted them to get her out right now and save her. I felt so guilty for driving 5 hours instead of just going to the hospital in St. George.

In the OR everything was so fast and confusing. They started an epidural which started working very quickly and the doctor arrived. It wasn't my doctor. She was out of town. I wanted my doctor. She had the nurses reposition me and the baby's heart rate returned to over 130. She was ok. We waited for a few minutes, talked about what would happen next. I would keep the epidural in, I would wait in a regular room for 1 hour while they started antibiotics and steroid shots to develop her little lungs. If her heart rate stayed normal we hoped to wait to deliver for 2-4 days. The longer the better. Things seemed happy and hopeful. We sent out texts and waited. After about 45 minutes her rate dropped again.

Back to the OR, more drugs and more panic. I felt the pressure from cutting and I don't remember the moment when they actually got my baby out and took her to another room. Tyler was gone. I had no idea what was going on and I still don't remember much after that. I know they took me to another room and got me cleaned up, my parents and Austin came. I received a priesthood blessing, and over in the NICU so did Eirlyse. I had no idea the severity of her condition. I had no idea that it had taken 11 minutes to revive her, and that she had never taken a breath. Maybe they did tell me, but I don't remember now. Tyler says she was blue when the delivered her. He went with her and watched as the desperately tried to revive her. He believes they may not have gone for the 11 full minutes if he had not been standing there. I can't even begin to imagine the desperation and fear Tyler must have felt for those 11 minutes.

After they got me cleaned up, they took me to see her. I was confused. She didn't seem like my baby. I thought I was still pregnant. I didn't know who this little girl was with tubes and stickers and IV's. She was beautiful though. She looked so much like my sweet Jack as a baby, just with more hair. I didn't want to stay long. Seeing her scared me. I was so tired and confused. Now I wish that I would have never left her side, but Im glad that at that moment I had no idea how hopeless the situation was. I needed to, at least for a little while, feel that I had a normal healthy baby that I would someday bring home from the hospital.

They took me to my room and I was still unsure that this baby girl was really mine, and unaware that she was in really bad shape. I mostly stayed in my room. I can't remember visiting her more than once that evening. Tyler visited her often. He came back crying. Something was wrong. I didn't know what. Nobody told me that she wasn't ok. I was so confused. I don't know exactly what I thought was going to happen at that point, but I think I believed she was going to be fine, just not for a while. I thought I would have a lifetime to spend with her, but that was not the plan... at least not for now.

Eirlyse Treasure Bolton

May 28, 2013 16:21

3 lbs 13 oz 17.5"

Babymoon-- SanDiego!

Do you ever just need to get away? Yep, us too. Before our family of 5 became a family of 6 Tyler and I thought it would be nice to have a quick getaway just the 2 of us (well sort of). So, thanks to wonderful and willing grandparents, we headed off on a short romantic getaway. Our road trip was extra special because, instead of a minivan, we traveled in a zippy little roadster (again thanks to wonderful family, Dad this time). So we set off for SanDiego with an overnight stop in St. George.

We stayed in a hotel on Shelter Island (I think that is where this picture was taken...) It was a fun location and a nice little place to stay. We walked the entire Island the day we arrived and it was fabulous!

 Did I mention we drove in a convertable. That was mostly fun, except for the sunburn from the 2 hour drive to Newport beach.

 Played at Mission beach and ate the biggest ice cream cones in the history of ever!

Yep, that's ice-cream spilled on my belly

Oops, the water came a bit higher than expected.

We came back for a few more hours of beach time before heading back to St. George.

 

These happy feet wanted to stay on the beach!

Adjusting

I am making an executive decision about my running goal (I'm allowed to, it's my goal, that makes me the one responsible for any executive decisions). Due to hating running with inversions, and just generally being bored with my routes, I have decided to add spinning as part of my goal. My sweet husband (and parents and parents in law) got me my very own spin bike for my birthday! I really didn't know much about spinning when I got it, other than it burns a trashload of calories in very little time, but I've been researching, making playlists and spinning like crazy since then.

If you haven't tried it and you have a gym membership, you should totally take a spin class. It is fun, fast and surprisingly not monotonous. It works well for me since it's in my house, and I can either get up early or spin when Gunner is taking a nap.

Getting back to the point--I need to log 500 miles this year, and I'm way behind schedule. While I hope that most of my miles will still be running, I am going to count some of my spin mileage as running mileage (cheating? maybe, but it's MY goal!) Spin bikes do not tell you how far or fast you go, but I'm quite certain I spin far faster than I run, so I think a time equivalence is more than a fair way to count spinning. I have decided to count every 30 minutes of spinning as 2 miles. I usually run more than 3 miles in a half hour, but I still want my goal to be challenging, so I'm shorting myself on spinning mileage to force myself to continue running. I log most of my workouts, so I have a pretty decent record of how much I have ridden my spin bike so far this year. I am adding 16 miles to my counter tonight to represent spinning miles. I hope to get a little running in this week, but I know I will definitely spin! I'm still behind on my mileage goal, but getting closer!

500 Miles

2011 was a year of significant physical fitness progress for me. The interesting thing is that I didn't actually set any significant goals in this area when the year began. I knew I wanted to increase my physical fitness, but I had no idea how much I would actually accomplish in the year. It all began with a switch to part time teaching. Without that one major life change I would never have been able to devote the time that I have to fitness. Normally my physical fitness goals are saved for summertime when I don't have work, but being home for an extra 20 hours each week gave me time to pick up on my exercise habit earlier. I stuck to my traditional routine of circuit style training with Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels (lonely living room workout style). Sometime in late spring I read about an iPhone app for running. It claimed to be for non-runners. I don't know what made me think that this time around running would be different for me, but the plan sounded reasonable and I wanted to increase my cardio routine, and get outside more, so I splurged ($3) on the app and went for it. The app was great and truly delivered results. I found myself actually feeling successful running for the first time ever and I stuck with it. I have decided that I am not interested in super long distances, but in general, I enjoy running a few miles (3-5) a few times a week to add variety to my workouts.

In November I went for a run and ended up going farther than I had planned. Nothing huge, but it was just under 5 miles and felt great. I decided that running was a permanent part of my life and in 2012 I would run 500 miles! The next few weeks yucky air quality and terrible winds resulted in a temporary hiatus from running, but the new year has come and I'm ready to start logging those miles. 500 miles in 1 year averages out to just under 10 miles each week. I'm hoping to get 10 miles in each week so that when the crazier weeks come along and I miss runs I will still be on track for my goal.

I should mentions that I cheat. I run and walk but consider the full distance as a run. My current pace is 4 min run 1 min walk, and it feels pretty good. Today I ran my longest distance yet: 5.6 miles. It was great! Earlier this week I had a much shorter mostly walk run (due to taking ibuprofen on an empty stomach) that was about 1.6 miles. Total so far is 7.2. I'm hoping that my body isn't too achy tomorrow from today's run so I can go for a short run and finish strong for week 1.

2012 Mile Counter: 7.2/500

Jack-isms

I can't get enough of the funny, cute and sweet things my little Jack says all the time. Here are a few that I don't want to forget:

"Mommy, I'm not a quitter. I never give up!"

When we told him that his new shirt says best bro and that bro is like brother he protested, "But I'm not the best brother, Hayden is."

"Mommy, roll-up sandwich is an option for dinner, and I DO want to have this conversation!" - I have NO idea where he would have gotten that one from ;)

Mommy: "Jack, what does CTR stand for?"

Jack: "Do the right thing"

There are so many more, in fact I specifically remember that I sat down to write this post because of something he said as I was putting him to bed... but I can't remember what it was. Oh well. That's all.

Projects

I've never met a person that says they have enough time to do all the things that they want to. If that's you, keep it to yourself, because all of the rest of us will hate you. There are lots of things I would do with extra time like run more, go back to school, be a better housekeeper, cook more (and more nutritiously), play with my kids more, blog more, stay in touch with more friends and family, garden, date nights, organize... anything and everything, keep up with my school stuff, practice the piano more, learn to play my harp... you get the idea. There are so many things I wish I had more time and energy to accomplish, but the reality is I have to get the day to day stuff done and at this point our family is pretty much just in survival mode. However, this school year is a lot different for me than any previous years, I have 4-5 days each week that I am at home! Of course this has mostly translated into increased sanity and more play time with my little rascals... toss in a little piano practicing, working out, and internet time wasting and I'm back to the same amount of spare time as usual. Really it's great, but I want to start adding in some of those other things that I've always wanted to, starting with projects around the house.

I am not good at decorating or crafting. I am not very creative when it comes to making my house feel like a home, but I'm pretty good at seeking out things I love (thank you blogs, pinterest and random google searches). We have lived in our house for 3 years now and I'm starting to feel pretty sad about how little I've done to make it our own. Time for that to CHANGE! So I am making my first list of projects to make my house a home. I'm starting simple, but with winter coming on it seems like we spend way more time indoors and we also seem to have a lot more stuff hanging out all over the floor... so I'm starting there.

PROJECT 1: Over the door "hang-all" for the mud room. My inspiration (bottom left corner below):

from This website. I think I want the knobs to be white or black with a rustic banged up paint job. I'm still trying to decide if I want to go with my original color scheme that I wanted for that room, if I do the knobs will be bright pink, yellow and orange... we'll see.

Project 2: Sticking with the them and the same website, I need a small pretty coat rack for inside the front door. It is going to hang low, and I might even hang the occasional ribbon strung holiday decoration from it. The inspiration (top left):

I just love the pretty knobs! I think there will only be four on mine. Now.... where do I find them???

Project 3: Coat (hat, back pack, tie, etc) hanger for Jack's room. It will look like the front of a propeller plane. Sorry, not picture for this one, but I'll try to describe the picture in my head. I will make the front of a propeller plane out of wood and paint it to match the plane theme already in his room.The propellers will each have three little knobs to hang things from. Ok, I'm giving myself some serious credit for creativity on this one! I'm sure it's going to be so stinking cute!!

Project 4: I can always use a little more space in my kitchen drawers and cupboards so I'm going to hang my measuring cups and spoons inside a cupboard door. This will free up a drawer for my tupperwear lids... and then free up a huge shelf in my cupboard for more kitchen gadgets (my FAVORITE)!

Mine will be much simpler. I'm just going to buy 3M hooks and use a level to make them straight :) Maybe I'll post a picture.

Project 5... and 6: My inspiration for these two came from a Relief Society activity. Another girl (who happens to have an amazingly cute home) painted a super cool picture frame. She hangs it on the wall and hangs things inside of it, like ornaments. The video I'm linking shows the idea using an old window frame... I'm going with simpler! After I looked at the video, I noticed the other one on the same page and realized I wanted to do something similar... A chandelier of ornaments. I'm thinking I will make a ball shape rather than a Christmas tree shape, and since my current light fixture isn't a glammy/glitzy style I think I will go with some brown base more crafty looking ornaments. This one will be an adventure, but since I don't decorate for Christmas until AFTER Thanksgiving, I've got a little time.

Now, no looking at pinterest, blogs or magazines until these are finished. Wish me luck!

Happier Halloween

I have never liked Halloween, except for the candy of course. Even as a kid I really hated dressing up because I just felt weird, and I didn't really care for knocking on all of the neighborhood doors asking for candy. There were a few exceptions I suppose. One year I was a BYU cheerleader and I loved my costume so much that it made the whole experience worth it. The same was true when I was Ty Detmer (BYU Quarterback/Heisman award winner). Essentially all of the other Halloweens I felt like my costume just wasn't good enough and I didn't really want to run around the neighborhood all night. There was another problem. My parents hated Halloween, so I almost felt guilty liking it. My dad still complains that it is a Pagan holiday and we shouldn't celebrate it. I also detest pumpkin guts, so making Jack'O'Lanterns never appealed to me. All of these things added together made me pretty unenthusiastic about this night of ghosts and goblins.

Since I have had children I have enjoyed it a bit more. I haven't dressed up for years, but I do like seeing them dressed up, however the process to get them to that point has usually been less than fun. I have been a boring mom that has no Halloween decorations and really can't get into all the Halloween traditions.

This year was different, maybe just a little, but different still, and I think I might be making progress. First of all the Young Women were in charge of the Ward Halloween Party this year which forced me to get festive a little earlier. I also saw a darling craft on facebook and decided to copy it with the kids. I got really excited for Jack's costume and putting it all together (including a little sewing)! It all turned out pretty great. I even dressed up... and liked it!

Woody, Anikan Skywalker and Witch before the Halloween Party (Cow was still napping). At the party, Jack and Gunner won the costume contest. It's true, they were pretty fantastic!

Can you tell that the holes on my stomach make a skeleton face?

On Halloween night before Trik'or'treating with Jack and Daddy's Jack'o'Lantern.

After walking around the neighborhood, we visited Aunt Cassie at work, Grandma and Grandpa Bolton and Aunt Chelsey, Grandma and Grandpa Bolton, and Grandma Linda and Grandpa Thurgood.

I think it was a pretty successful night!

What's For Dinner?

You may recall that I recently (ok, maybe not so recently) set this goal of a once weekly post about a new recipe. I suppose it was just another case of starting a goal incredibly excited and motivated but petering out as soon as other stuff, often referred to as real life, got in the way. The good news I have tried lots of new recipes and it has even been on a fairly regular basis, but I don't remember most of them. Here is a link to one that I do remember that was quite yummy (and simple):

Crock-Pot Stroganoff Loved that it was in the crock pot all day, but my big discovery... don't use the stew meat or whatever it calls for, use a roast. Pull it out when it is cooked through, shred it, and drop it back in the sauce for a while. So tender!

I recently purchases a new recipe book called Hungry Girl: 300 Under 300. I ordered it online after hearing amazing things about her books and glancing at a few recipes. I was sooooo excited when it came in the mail.... but I must admit, it wasn't as incredible as I had hoped. So far we have found a few recipes that looked good, sounded good, had reasonably inexpensive and regularly used ingredients and actually turned out tasting good. I think we have tried about 10 recipes. Most have been pretty good, but the ingredients were a tricky thing. Ground beef style soy crumbles... no thank you. So we substituted a few ingredients where the calorie count would only be slightly affected. Another little issue-many, of the recipes are designed for only one serving. I guess hungry girls eat alone. Maybe the biggest problem is that Jack hasn't liked much of it at all, and he needs MORE calories anyway. I have decided to try at least 2 a week from the book, but I don't promise to report on any of it.

The Best Boys!

This boy is always making me smile. I just wanted to mention two of the absolutely adorable things he does lately. First he says thank you for EVERYTHING. When I get him out of his bed and give him a kiss he tells me thank you, when I give him a snack he tells me thank you, and pretty much any other time that I do something for him that he likes he says thank you. In fact once he told me thank you when I wiped his nose, right after he finished screaming because he actually hates that. Thank you was actually one of the very first things he said, right after mama and daddy. We tried to teach him the sign, but he learned to say it before he learned to sign it.

The other super cute thing is being proud of himself. He has a "Little People" fire truck that is filled with building blocks that can be put in the back of the truck through holes that match the block shapes. He will pick up a block and put it in the right slot and then throw his hands in the air and shout "YAY" every time. It is so stinking cute!

Not to leave out my other two amazing boys I better say something about them too. I've nicknamed this one:

DASH! Because he is always going at top speed. The great thing he's doing lately is making lots of new friends. He is always wanting to stop by different neighbors' homes to say hi and he always wants to run across the street to play with one of his best friends.

He talks like he does everything else--super fast! Kind of like his mom. He does a lot of other things a lot like mommy and sometimes it drives daddy just a little crazy. He certainly has a mind of his own, and I love that about him! I prefer the word strong willed over stubborn, and boy is he :)

This guy is are sweet nature boy (I know Dash is in the background there, but he's kind of everywhere). He seems to be a never ending encyclopedia of knowledge about anything and everything in the wilderness. I am always surprised at the intricate details he knows about random animals and plants. So awesome.

He said the funniest thing the other day. Daddy and his uncles were teasing him a bit about a girl at school that he has had a crush on for a couple years. Daddy asked him "Is she a good kisser?" His response: "I don't know, I've never seen her kiss!" So cute. Glad to know he's still sweet and innocent considering his daddy was already thinking about kissing me when he was about that age ;)

I have the BEST boys!

Balance

The last 4 years of my life have felt very uNbAlAnCeD to say the least. I have felt like every moment I have is torn between school work, housework, trying to enjoy time with my kiddos and hubby, church callings. You might be thinking yeah, yeah join the club, everybody is busy, and you are right, everybody is, but there was something else. With all the to-do's between school, work, home and church I was feeling like an epoch failure! I could spend tons of extra time on my grading and lesson planning at home and still feel like I wasn't reaching a single student but that took all my time away from being a good mommy which meant I was a grumpy mommy. So I would try to spend less time on school work and things got even worse there and I lived to dread every minute I spent with students in my classroom. That's not at all what I had expected for my career. It felt like a constant battle: make school survivable or keep my house semi livable and make sure my kids got some happy mommy time.

I had to pick. I could never choose everything! Something (or rather many things) always got dropped. I felt like I was dropping every ball thrown in my court. In addition my poor husband was having to fight the exact same battle and I could do nothing to support him because I was too worried about my own balancing act. We kept talking about the light at the end of the tunnel, but living in the darkness waiting for that light was just becoming too much to bear. I hated the person I was becoming and I felt like I was missing the time of my life I had been looking forward to most since I was a little girl!

Finally it just couldn't go on anymore. Thankfully that was about the time Tyler got a job with IHC that would offer benefits for a part time employee. We decided that, while it was maybe financially a bad idea, I had to be more there for my family so I needed to switch to part time. It didn't happen right away, and the process that it took to get there was emotionally exhausting, but it was the best decision we could have made. Yes financially it has been challenging (ummm, that is a massive understatement by the way), but the pay off has been amazing in other ways. Most significantly, we are experiencing something we had only dreamed of... BALANCE!

Balance is an incredible thing (ready for my inner nerd to vomit science on you...) When the forces on an object are balanced the motion of that object remains unchanged, this doesn't mean there are no forces, it just means they are balanced. Take the example of a hockey puck gliding along a sheet of ice. Unless it is hit by something, it continues along its path. There are still forces acting on the puck (gravity and normal force), but it just keeps on moving along... sometimes said: an object in motion remains in motion. And that is in essence what I am beginning to feel. There are certainly still a great deal of demands on me daily, but all in all they seem to be balanced! I am now a little like that calm disc, gliding along the ice, heading in a certain direction and moving at a steady pace. Of course the occasional (or frequent) external force comes along and takes me a bit off course. The big difference, was that before something always had to come first, there was always one demand that could knock all the others out of my plans for days at time, and usually that was school/work related. Now, I feel like I can give priority to everything when it is needed.

The things that I used to put off until summer or long weekends are now a constant part of my life. I can plan healthy meals, exercise, play outside with my boys for hours at a time, hang out with my man (when he isn't too busy), keep up with grading and lesson planning, work on projects around the house, keep up with my church calling, spend time with friends, and amazingly even enjoy some me time. No, I still don't have it all together. I forget things I'm supposed to do, there are usually several unfinished tasks on my to do list at the end of the day, and I still get cranky about all sorts of things that I should probably not worry about. But, I feel balanced and that is enough.

Baby Animal Days

Last year a friend of mine introduced me to a fun event up in... almost Logan, called Baby Animal Days. I couldn't wait to take Jack again and introduce little Gunner to the baby animals as well. As the day approached it appeared that the weather was not going to cooperate, so we called ahead and they said it was a light shower. I figured it would keep the crowds down and we could handle a little rain. After an hour and forty-five minute drive in terrible conditions, the light shower had turned into a decent snow storm, but we had come all that way, so we decided to brave it. We were not prepared and poor Jack ended up pretty wet and chilled, but we just stayed long enough to see all of the baby animals and get out of there. With very few other patrons that didn't take long.

All of the animals were darling, and the bunnies were extra snuggly because of the cold. I thought I had gotten more pictures of Gunner with the animals, but I guess that was my mom. I'll have to get them from her. I had Gunner in a carrier the whole time, which kept he and I both quite warm.

Checking out the chick's beak.

Last year he kissed the duckling, this year we could barely get him to hold it.

Warming his hands on the bunny.

Gunner was very gentle, except when he almost pulled this bunny's ear off.

How we stayed warm.

Yummy BBQ Chicken

Last week's new recipe:

Zesty Slow Cooker Chicken Barbeque

It was super easy, but had more pizzaz than the standard chicken with BBQ Sauce in the Crock-Pot. We served it on toasted whole wheat hamburger buns, melted a slice of cheese on it, and topped it with a slice of tomato. Everybody loved it. Hayden even ate the chicken plain when we ran out of buns :) Oh, and I added some finely diced onion to the sauce before cooking it.

The next day we were making quesadillas and I made one with Mozzarella, the left over chicken and diced tomatoes. It was super delicious.

Make again sometime? I think so!

Fast and... almost Fantastic

I tried two new recipes this week and both deserve at least a mention.

The first was a yummy chili called Lizard Stew. The boys liked it and I would definitely consider making it again on a busy night because it can be cooked in a pot right before serving, or just left in the crockpot all day until you are ready to eat.

Lizard Stew

1 lb hamburger browned and drained

26 oz. Can Minestrone Soup

15 oz. can ranch-style chili beans

10 oz. can diced tomatoes with green chilies

1 lb. Velveeta (I use the lower fat made with 2% milk)

Combine all ingredients except cheese and heat until bubbly. Add cheese and heat until melted. Serve over corn chips. If done in crockpot just add cheese about 30 minutes before serving.

What I LIked: It was full of flavor and just the right amount of heat. It was so easy to make and the kids liked it. The name :) what's not too love about that. I also like that it has lots of veggies and fiber from the beans. It didn't take much to make me feel super full!

What I didn't like: It is super high in sodium and fairly high in calories and fat, but as mentioned above it does have a pretty high nutritional content as well, so in moderation it's a pretty decent meal. It has Velveeta in it... it's kind of hard for me to get behind a meal that has processed cheese product.

If I were to give it a grade, Lizard stew would get a B, and I will keep on standby for a crazy night that needs a warm meal.

The other meal was called Fast and Fantastic Black Bean Soup, and fast it was, but I wouldn't give it fantastic. I love black beans and I love soup. I thought it would be a great meal with some quesadillas. It was pretty good, but left something to be desired. Tyler thinks cilantro, and it probably would have helped if I had remembered the green onion on top.

What I liked: It was easy to make. The flavor was pretty good especially with a little sour cream and quesadillas. It was a good portion size for our little family.

What I didn't Like: Again with the Velveeta, but this helped me use up some of what was left. The beans didn't really blend to smooth so there were funny little bits in it. The flavor was kind of weak.

I would probably give this one a B-, and will consider it again as a cold day lunch, and maybe add more salsa or some herbs and spices to give it a little more flavor.

Hopefully this week I will come up with a family favorite that's a healthy timesaver.

A New Family Favorite

I think it was January of 2010 that I decided I would try to make one new dinner each week. I Wish I could say I now have over 60 new dinners in my repertoire, but I failed. After a few weeks I ran into roadblocks, and, like other new years resolutions, it died out.

This has nothing to do with why I tried a new recipe tonight. Really that was just necessity. I had some left over brown rice and a somewhat picky 8 year old coming for dinner along with no hubby to keep the hungry boys occupied until it was done. I knew I could pretty easily throw together some chicken and rice with some vegetable and some cream of something soup, but that sounded pretty lack luster to me.

I like the Kraft website because you can put in ingredients that you have and it will give you recipes that match. My ingredients: chicken, brown rice, and carrots. I almost passed over this recipe because I didn't like the name. I was hoping for something healthy with a moderate calorie count, and the name just didn't shout that to me, but turns out at less than 500 Calories per serving it wasn't too bad (and by the way a serving was way more than enough for me). So, here it is:

Farmhouse Chicken Dinner (see what I mean about the name, sounds a little too hearty)

I made a few adjustments:

• I didn't have any Light Zesty Italian, only Fat Free Italian, which doesn't work to cook chicken in so I mixed half olive oil and half dressing. It worked fine, but I'm sure it would also be great as directed.
• After reading a couple of reviews I got worried that it was going to be bland, so I added a little garlic salt. I think it would be great to add some to the flour mixture, although I didn't feel the dish was bland at all.
• It didn't take 20 minutes!! I hate overcooked chicken so at about 14 minutes of simmering I stuck my meat thermometer in and discovered it was cooked through so I took it out.
• I didn't use instant rice because I already had leftover brown rice. The rice doesn't cook with the chicken, so it doesn't matter.
• I forgot the parsley... oops

What I liked:

It was very easy to make and called for ingredients that I almost always have on hand. It was delicious; the combination of flavors seemed right to me, but I'm no food critic. The carrots were yummy and flavored with the sauce and cooked to just tender (with only 14 minutes). The chicken was cooked to perfection. I don't know if I or the recipe get credit for that, but either way it was luscious (ok I know Ryan Lamb doesn't read my blog, but if he did he would be laughing right now)

What I didn't like:

Once it was all served up on the plate, it had a bit of a casserole feel to it and that's just not my favorite, nor Tyler's. The sauce didn't thicken, at least in the time that I gave it. Even runny, it made for a great gravy.

Back to how I started this long post - this meal has inspired me to get back to my one new meal each week goal, but this time I have a new idea of how to stick with it. I am going to post the recipe and my review each week. I hope you enjoy. If not, maybe at some point I'll follow it with pictures of my always darling boys :)

Also, if you have any favorite dinner recipes please share!

Your Secret Weapons Please

Yes, it has been months since my last post and now you happen upon my blog and you are greeted with a post about the least glamorous of all motherly duties... cleaning the bathroom. Well I'm sorry, but that is what is on my mind this lovely saturday morning. I woke up motivated to get my Saturday chores done, mostly because Tyler would be leaving for work at noon and I wanted to get it done before I had both boys to entertain all by myself. That tends to slow down the cleaning, so off I went. I grabbed my trusty bin of scrubbing, disinfecting, and sparkling bathroom cleaning chemicals.

It seems since early on in my life it has been hard for me to commit to any one particular set of cleaners. There must be something to clean mirrors, disinfect and clean countertops. Wipe away nasty toilet germs, bleach the heck out of the toilet bowl and finally make my tub and shower sparkle! I'm fairly comfortable with my selection of cleaners for mirrors, counters, and toilets, but the tub and shower have always left me a little befuddled. Frequently the two are made of different materials and have different needs. Clearly the shower walls need something that sprays and the tub must have something the bubbles up and disinfects. Often, when Tyler is faced with shower/tub he feels it is sufficient to spray it down with water and finish off with our standard after shower spray. I feel strongly that this is not enough. Seriously friends, we stand in their naked... and with BARE feet!!! That thing needs bleached.

Generally for the tub part I look to comet. I love the bubbles, the sparkle and the germ killing goodness. I have even found a lemon scented version and enjoy it very much... but this still leaves the shower walls and doors. I faced an even greater dilemma this week as I realized that I was out of comet and had forgotten to pick up more. So I looked in the bin... windex... not germ killing enough, clorox wipes... not scrubby bubbly enough, toilet bowl cleaner... hmmm bleach, check, bubbly check why not. Well news flash, this is some strong stuff. For my bathroom I wore gloves and was pleased with the final result. After a deep scrub to the tub I sprayed everything out and finished off with a leave on shower spray for the walls. Near the end however I discovered a hole in my gloves and realized I would have to go gloveless for the remaining bathrooms, ICK. Oh well what was I to do? There was a job that must be done and I am the woman for the job, so I set forth looking forward to a nice antibacterial hand scrubbing and moisturizing following the dirty task.

It was then that discovered the harshness of the toilet bowl cleaner. I would say strong base to say the least. My hands feel awful, and now I'm a little worried to put naked baby bums back in the tub. I rinsed much more carefully (like 5 or 6 times) this time around and was still satisfied with the final result but decided that I will definitely need to make a trip to the store before my next bathroom cleaning adventure. Alas, all bathrooms again sparkle and shine... at least for now. Not to mention, I managed to get them all done before 10:30 :) good day. But, my question for all of you faithful readers (hmmm I better post this to facebook so I at least get 2 or 3 of you...) What do you have in your arsenal for that oh so gruesome job? I feel ready to commit so that I don't have to face down the daunting cleaner aisle at Target ever again feeling vulnerable and unprepared. Help me please!

Treasure Family to Island Park

Friday July 16th- Tuesday July 20

The Treasure Family went on a big trip to Island Park Idaho. We had so much fun staying in a great big cabin all together. Almost everyone got to come and we really missed the family members that couldn't make it. The kids had a great time playing together in the cabin, on the boat, out in the woods, canoeing down the river and having a great big slumber party. We did so many fun things so I'll try to list them by day.

Friday

Packed up the car an got on our way. We left later than planned (I mentioned this was a Treasure family trip right? would you expect it to get started on time?). In our car we had 4 little boys- Hayden, Isaac, Jack and Gunner. Gunner had a hard time. He did great for the first 3 hours, but after that he mostly cried. I felt so bad for him and it made me rather cranky. After a VERY long drive with many stops we finally arrived at the cabin. It was a great cabin with plenty of space for everyone. After dinner it was already way past bedtime so that's where we all headed.

Saturday

Grandpa Treasure rented a boat and we all had a great time riding around on it. I spent most of the day on the boat thanks to Jeannette who was willing to keep Hayden and Gunner so we could go again. The second time on the boat a bunch of us went swimming, it was SUPER cold, but so much fun. Jack loved the boat and all of the grandkids had a great time taking turns driving the boat. Michael was pretty good at it. I really loved being on the boat. Tyler hooked Dad's iPhone up to the sound system and I just relaxed listening to some great music with the wind in my hair and water splashing up. It was GREAT! Here's a BUNCH of pictures.

Sunday

We went to church. The congregation was huge. There was a separate building for chapel overflow and it was full. After church we all just played and hung out. The next pictures are from Sunday and just around the cabin on all the days we were there.

Monday

Tyler and Grandpa took some of the older grandkids shooting. It was Hayden's first time shooting a real gun and he liked it. Tyler got to shoot our gun for the first time.

After shooting we took the canoe to the river. The kids had a good time there rowing the canoe and then catching minnows (or trying to catch minnows) on the river bank.